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It has
become almost a mantra: Men are from Mars, women are from
Venus. What started off as a best-selling popular science
series has come to stand for the deeply embedded conventional
wisdom in Western society that women and men communicate in
fundamentally different and largely incompatible ways. But
what is the basis for this idea? Is it supported by research?
Or is it simply used to justify the stubborn remnants of sexism
that cling to an increasingly egalitarian society? In The
Myth of Mars and Venus, Deborah Cameron, a professor of
language and communication at Oxford University, sets out
to examine pervasive myths about how men and women communicate
(and miscommunicate), basing her work on a critical examination
of the research behind the conclusions that are touted in
the media and popular science books.
What
Cameron means by "myths" about communication and gender is
twofold: she means myths first in the sense that they are
not true because they are incomplete, overly simple, or not
supported by evidence; second, she uses the term in the sense
that these myths are part of "a story people tell in order
to explain who they are, where they have come from, and why
they live as they do."
The book
addresses five common "Mars and Venus" myths: 1) women talk
more than men, and communication is more important to women,
2) women have better verbal skills than men, 3) men use language
to get things done, while women use it to make connections
with people, 4) men use language in a competitive manner,
whereas women use it in a cooperative manner, and 5) differences
between men and women's communication styles often lead to
miscommunication between the sexes.
Cameron
proceeds to question, complicate, and downright debunk these
myths with lively prose and wry humor. The breadth of what
she manages to cover and the thoroughness with which she does
it in this slim and accessible volume is astounding. She digs
into the research behind the myths, examining meta-analyses
of studies about men and women's communication styles, verbal
abilities, and use of language. In most cases, she finds there
are bigger differences within groups than between them, and
factors such as social class, profession, and purpose of the
conversation have a bigger influence on results than gender.
Cameron
also discusses how studies of linguistic differences between
men and women get distorted in popular science books and the
media. Even though many studies show little or no difference
between how women and men communicate, the ones that generally
get attention are those that do show a difference. Cameron
suggests that this attention is received because these studies
justify existing social structures and reinforce stereotypes,
which are comforting to many people because gender is still
so important to society's organization and to people's identities.
More
than just adding nuance to our understanding of gender and
language, Cameron convincingly argues that these myths—and
the acceptance of them—matter. The book is packed with
anecdotes and studies that girder her argument, but one of
those most pointed stories is of a rape hearing at a Canadian
University. Following an all-too-familiar pattern, the case
turned on whether the young man, accused of raping two fellow
female students, could have reasonably been expected to understand
that the young women, by saying they were tired and pretending
to sleep, were communicating that they didn't want to have
sex. In the hearing, the young women were asked whether they
considered that he might have misunderstood their signals,
even though, as Cameron points out, "you don't have to be
a rocket scientist to work out that someone who feigns unconsciousness
in bed with you probably doesn't want sex." And yet, in the
proceedings, no one criticized the defendant for being so
dense.
It is
then a pleasure to read Cameron eviscerate the idea that if
a woman doesn't say "no" clearly and directly, she is essentially
at fault for the "misunderstanding" leading to her rape. In
the context of non-sexual situations, refusing an invitation
with a firm, clear "no" would be considered insufferably rude.
Instead, we employ strategies to "soften the blow" of a refusal,
couching them in a delayed response, hedging our words, or
giving an excuse. Research shows that there is no difference
between the sexes in understanding these "hedged" refusals,
so for a man to say he misunderstood a woman's refusal of
sex strains credulity.
Mars
and Venus advocates generally encourage women to be understanding
and sensitive of men's communication style, while men are
not encouraged as rigorously. Perhaps because according to
these myths, women are the more sensitive and caring sex,
the burden is on them to communicate in a way that men are
"capable" of understanding, not on each sex to be responsible
for understanding the other. Like many of the Mars and Venus
myths, this erects an unnecessary and fictional wall between
the sexes that is insulting and damaging to both men and women.
Throughout
the book, Cameron's examination of everything from childhood
development to evolutionary psychology to Mars and Venus myths
in the workplace is insightful, incisive, and enlightening.
For those who have ever felt discomfort with stereotypes about
gendered communication, this book is a breath of fresh air.
The skeptic, the egalitarian, and the doubter of pseudo-science
will relish this book, which is full of facts to tuck away
for later use in dismantling the arguments of gender-determinists.
The myths
of Mars and Venus ask us to view members of the opposite gender
as overly simple, pre-programmed, alien creatures with whom
genuine communication is impossible because we are from biologically
separate worlds. This is, at best, a depressing view of humanity,
and one that should be obsolete in our modern lives outside
of our enjoyment of a Jane Austen novel. For anyone who intuitively
loves and enjoys members of the opposite sex as friends, family
members, partners, lovers, colleagues, and—most importantly—equals,
The Myth of Mars and Venus provides the science to
back up one's intuition. Life is more fun when we're all on
the same footing. Deborah Cameron explains why we pretty much
are.
(August,
2008)
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