Hot on the heels of the recent Twilight DVD release comes the tantalizing new Robert Pattinson biography Do I Dazzle You? The Unauthorized Biography of Robert Pattinson. Promised salacious details about the Twilight star's private life, teenage girls have been devouring the glossy new book like hungry vampires.

The phenomenon is only marginally surprising to the book's young author, Tiffany Amber Madison. Since the age of 12, Madison has been finding her way into the lockers of teenage girls nationwide with in-depth celebrity biographies such as The Ladies' Choice: The Complete and Unauthorized Zac Efron Biography and her Chronicles of Hotness trilogy, a group of biographies about The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian stars Ben Barnes, Skandar Keynes, and William Moseley. Now a wiser, more mature 18, Madison took time out from Facebook stalking to discuss the dedication needed to write the perfect heartthrob biography and the many ways to exploit loopholes in those pesky restraining orders.

Due to career privacy issues, the publishers of Do I Dazzle You? have asked us not to run a photo of Tiffany Amber Madison. Instead, Madison suggested we run this photograph of Robert Pattinson at a film premiere. Madison claims to be behind the movie poster.

Your latest biography on Robert Pattinson only came out in mid-March, and it's already on its way to becoming your best selling book. Why do you suppose that is?
Isn't it obvious? It's totally all about Robbie. Just look that those eyes—and that hair. Ugh, he's just so hot. That boy was built for stardom.

You always seem to know exactly which up-and-coming actors and musicians to cover, and you always get your books out quickly, just as the celebrity's popularity is about to explode. How do you always manage to figure out the next big thing?
With Twilight, it was just a big fat duh. I mean anyone playing Edward Cullen is gonna be drool-worthy, right? But I've had him pegged for stardom for, like, ages, you know? I've been following his career since he played Cedric Diggory.

Speaking of Cedric Diggory, you had a lot of information on Pattinson's Harry Potter days. Didn't you meet Pattinson during the filming of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire?
I did. Back then, I was gathering material for my book Radcliffe: A History, so I got to use a lot of the data and the photos I took while sneaking around the set of Goblet of Fire. Guh. He was already so hot back then—way, way hotter than Daniel Radcliffe. It was, like, no contest. I mean, really, who wants to see icky Dan naked if they could see my Robbie-baby? That's why my book on Dan didn't do so well, by the way; apparently, fans were upset that I spent so much time daydreaming about Rob and not enough time on Harry/Draco slash fics. [sighs] So totally worth it, though.

Has Pattinson changed since then?
Um, a little bit. I mean, he has always been a bit reserved, you know? When we first met, he was really open to talking to me and telling me what filming a movie was like. But that stupid cunt Emma Watson [Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies] turned him against me. She told him I was a prepubescent Rita Skeeter! Can you believe that? I was totally already in puberty by then, that hater. After that, every time I tried to interview him about his love life, he'd be like, "I don't think the color of my underpants are any of your business" or "I'm not giving you my home address. I don't even know you!" So difficult. But, you know, I managed to find all the info I needed anyway. His mom even gave me a tour of their house when I went over there, but she kicked me out when she caught me trying to steal his underpants from the hamper.

How much about information did you need to get about Pattinson on the set of Twilight, then?
Not too much, which is good. Getting on the set in Oregon [where Twilight was filmed] was even more difficult than usual because Robbie already knew me. I heard that when security found me hiding under his trailer, the film company hired more security for him—not that it mattered. I just spent more time hanging out in Kristen Stewart's trailer next door, and let me tell you something: That was not pleasant. Ugh, what a skank. I'm pretty sure she's jealous of me. I mean, sure, she gets to make out with my man in the movie, but me and Rob—we're destined. He just doesn't know it yet.

You've accused Stewart of starting some of the rumors that she and Pattinson are an item in real life and even insinuated that she's actually carrying some sort of venereal disease—one of the more controversial statements in the book. Did you learn these things while, um, staking out the trailer?
Um, yeah…sure. I found, um, anti-gonorrhea…cream in her bathroom. Is that how you treat that? Anyway, that little whore and I are like enemies for life or something. She's the one who convinced Robbie to get a restraining order against me.

Oh, that's right. I heard she gave a statement to the police that you'd tackled Pattinson at the Hollywood premiere of the movie, screaming, "Marry me or I'll kill myself" in a fit of tears.
God, she is such a liar. I was totally not crying. Honestly, you accidentally knock a man down with an innocent hug, and you're blacklisted for life.

Are restraining orders common in your line of work?
Um, I guess. I mean, I have like... [counts on fingers] seven active against me—nine if you count each Jonas Brother individually.

Many have questioned the ethics behind your publisher's decision to put out celebrity biographies written by a teenage fangirl; they think that it's encouraging obsessive behavior in the young. What's your take?
Whatever. They're just jealous. Who better to write biographies for teenagers than a teen? We already have all of the internet info and magazine articles ever written memorized by heart; it's just a matter of getting new stuff. Besides, it's so totally creepy to read articles written by old cougar types. I mean, seriously, they're all like 30 and gushing about Zac Efron? Gross!

So now that you're infamous and laden with restraining orders, is going undercover and getting the scoop harder?
Sorta kinda not really. It's not really hard to work around those stupid things if you're really dedicated to the job. The internet's, like, my god. I mean, the restraining order Michael Cera put on me didn't exclude being MySpace friends with his girlfriend or bandmates, so I have a pretty good idea of what he's doing through them. Robbie-baby is still pretty easy, actually. He's so big right now that all I have to do is read the Twitter feeds of the right fan girls to figure out what he's up to now.

And what is he up to right now?
[Checks computer] Ohmigod! He's having dinner at Peter Facinelli's right now with the cast of New Moon! Ohmigod, I so have to be there.

But…the restraining order…
Screw the restraining order. You have a car, right? Would you mind driving me out to Malibu?

(April Fools, 2009)