When I say the word "hipster," what do you think of?
I think of really skinny people with scarves. They have tight jeans on. They know who Elvis Costello is and dislike country music, but they like Johnny Cash.

You live in Youngstown, Ohio; are there any hipsters there?
There is a bar called Cedar's. They hang out there, listening to wannabe emo prog-rock or something. They swing dance and smoke a lot of weed. They go to college and wear scarves. I've been to their houses. They all have the same fifteen books—usually Fight Club, On the Road, a Tom Robbins book, a Bukowski book, etc.: The Hipster collection. Some of them read more; they are potential buyers.

You're standing in front of forty hipsters; how do you describe The Human War to them to get them to buy it?
I tell them it is really intelligent.

What are some online porn highlights for you? Any favorite pictures or clips?
My favorite porn star is Charlotte Stokely. I like her because she looks like she could be from Ohio. She is bigger; I like that. She has some meat on her. I like this one. Keri Sable punches the guy in the balls in the middle of the movie; it doesn't get me off, but I think it is funny.

The British (top) and U.S. (bottom) covers of The Human War.

Have you ever subscribed to some online porn sites?
Yes, several over the years: Tawnee Stone, Little Lupa, and Border Bangers.

I saw you read and you screamed and hit the podium. It was very good, I thought. Did you plan to hit the podium?
I'm not sure. I used to do readings at an open mike night in Youngstown, I would do things like that all the time. Once I vomited while singing "Silly Love Songs" in front of everyone. The vomit landed all over some kid's drum set. My friend Nick came on the stage and played the drums with the vomit on it. I remember being very drunk, watching the vomit splash into the air every time he hit the snare.

The internet has saved me from killing myself, probably. Without the internet, what would you do the entire day?
I might have a life, then, or get cable, I'm not sure.

Why can't you write a 600 page novel with a strong plot and sell 500,000 copies? You have tried before, I know, but you just ended up writing weird shit about poor people. What is your thought process when you are trying to write that 600 page novel and weird sentences start appearing on the computer screen?
I can't do it. I don't know what is wrong with me. I try to write something normal and make it long and endearing and all kinds of shit. But I can't. I start to feel really strangled, like I'm at work or school. Agents have e-mailed and said to write things. I started. I felt like I was at work. I write to escape work. When I write normal, well-adjusted sentences, I feel like I'm at school; I really hate school. I hate being told what to do. I really fucking hate when people tell me what to do.

When you can't sleep at night, do you keep lying there or do you go do something else?
I never could sleep at night. I've arranged my life around not sleeping at night. I don't have to be at work till 5pm. I'm up 'til 4 or 6 every day, since I've graduated high school. I remember being in school and on Saturday morning thinking, "I want everyday to be Saturday." My whole life is Saturday now.

The Human War is going to be published in Greece and Germany. Describe a young German's day, including reading The Human War.
They get up and shoot heroin and lay in bed all day wearing a scarf reading The Human War over and over and over again. Eventually it sinks in, and they cut their wrists and die.

A hundred years from now, do you think they'll publish your e-mails in a book, The Collected E-mails of Noah Cicero?
If they did, it wouldn't really be authentic to who I am. My e-mails are to people I don't really know. Like in all my e-mails to you, none of them describe how I get my fingers cut all the time at work, or the smell of my work clothes, if I shave my armpits or not, how I spoke to some girl today at work about death. I don't know if it would be worth it. I think our gmail chats would have literary value to students or something. But I don't think my e-mails are personal enough to generate a lot of good emotion.

Tell us a little about the legend of Burning Babies, your novel that never came out, but exists.
I wrote Burning Babies in my living room on a laptop that sat on a coffee table. I would remember something or hear a story or experience something and go and write it down. It is about being terrified. Or seeing things that make one terrified—so terrified that it changes one's perceptions on life. It has sweet moments in it also. Around five places offered to publish it. The first place did not make me happy so I cancelled the deal, but there were 50 copies sent out to reviewers, Michael Allen (Grumpy Old Bookman), John Dolan from The Exile, Levi Asher from Litkicks gave good reviews, Harvey Pekar gave it a great blurb, and Michael Schaub promised a good review in Bookslut. And it was also promised a good review in The Boston Globe. It was also scheduled to go out somewhere else but that came out bad, also. The book has no publisher now. And I'm not even bothering looking for one. I'm not sure why. I still get e-mails from random people from all over the earth asking about Burning Babies. From my count, from the fifty review copies printed, several hundred have read it. They have been passed through many hands. On Amazon.com, one of the fifty copies made it into the used thing. I can't remember what store was selling it, but the price was over $2,000. It was only up there for two weeks and it disappeared; I think someone actually bought it for that much. It has been compared to Dubliners, Hunger, and Season in Hell for its innovation. I cry at night thinking about it; I can't even think of Burning Babies anymore without wanting to get naked and run screaming into the street.

What book you wrote would you give to a nine year old boy?
The Condemned.

Tao Lin is the author of several books, including Eeeee Eee Eeee and Bed (see the review for both books here). He can be found at his blog, Reader of Depressing Books.

(August, 2007)