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We're
all very bitter. I mean busy. Well, we're both. And that's
why instead of having an Algonquin Round Table, we have writing
workshops.
You see,
we all write, but some of us are better at it than others.
And even though some of those other people suck, they get
agents because they went to a certain summer camp or a private
school, or their mother's neighbor is an agent. A few writers
get agents because they have good ideas, but screw those writers.
And then the ones with the agents are jealous of those with
better agents; the ones with deals are jealous of those with
better deals at better houses or with a better jacket design.
We are rarely jealous based on quality of prose—secretly,
we all think we're better than our friends.
No wonder
we're so busy—we have so much to fret about! But we still
need feedback and criticism on our writing; otherwise, how
will we know when it's ready to send to Pindelyboz
or other nonsensically-named, non-paying literary journals?
And that's why, even though we writers have ten other friends
who are also writers, we pay to be in writing workshops with
strangers. This way, we can be polite to our frenemies and
tear apart the writing of people we don't really know who
are always easily stereotyped and never people with whom we
would actually be friends.
Workshops
are supposed to work by having the writers say some positive
things and then say some negative things. It rarely works
that smoothly. But the characters you will meet in workshops
will all be the same, so I present to you a field guide to
your fellow writing workshoppers.
THE TEACHER
The Teacher is more of a Gal Friday who provides light organizing
and structure to the workshop. Ostensibly, she is the reason
you are paying to be in the workshop with strangers, but usually
she acts like she has no idea why she's not at home watching
Dancing With The Stars. She is adorable and kooky and
attended a good MFA program. Her first book was optioned by
HBO, but is wallowing in pre-production mire. She always forgets
to turn off her cell phone, which rings the Ms. Pacman
theme. She's very ditzy and you wonder how she finishes anything,
ever. Most of her comments are about your shoes. The male
Teacher is very rare in fiction workshops, but you may encounter
him in non-fiction and memoir. He isn't as ditzy, but is inappropriately
flirtatious. The teacher will act friendly when approached
by strangers but doesn't mean it. Don't piss her off—she
may introduce you to an agent.
SKINNY
GOTH CHICK
This person may be male and may not be goth, but she has tattoos
and dyed black hair. She writes about strippers who take drugs
and always reads her work in a quiet monotone. Her comment
on your work is always, "But what does it mean?" Her
favorite author is Chuck Palahniuk. She mysteriously disappears
three sessions before the end of the workshop. Skinny Goth
Chick is fearful. Approach very carefully—she may strike
out or hide if you come too close. A subset of this type is
The Bukowski Dude. Do not confuse her with the…
CHUBBY
GOTH CHICK
The CGC dresses like Stevie Nicks circa 1984, always has a
cup of coffee, and is writing a vampire book that is full
of pop cultural references. It might even be good, which makes
you want to kill yourself. She always has very insightful
comments on your work, which also makes you want to kill yourself.
She's very ebullient. You like her in spite of her bad sartorial
sense. Chubby Goth Chick will act friendly when approached,
and may invite you to a fetish party.
INTERNATIONAL
MALE
The International Male works in banking or he is a stockbroker,
and he is writing a global thriller that has a lot of product
placement. He says things like "'Diaphanous'? Who ever would
use that word?" He will flounce out of the workshop half way
through, saying that he is both too busy at work and that
no one gets his writing. The International Male will act seductive
when approached by an attractive female, but may attack when
approached by a male of similar status. He will ignore all
others.
THE
DEVIL WEARS PAYLESS
She is writing a romance that takes place in a media office,
and it is so closely based on her real life that sometimes
she accidentally calls the male love interest by her ex-boyfriend's
name. She's lovable and very young and her comments lean towards
the "What's The Maltese Falcon? What's a gatefold album?"
variety. If approached, the Devil Wears Payless will invite
you out for cupcakes.
SCI-FI
ATTORNEY
Very similar to International Male in that he claims to be
very busy. He believes his sci-fi novel is more literary fiction
than science fiction, but he is wrong. His characters have
Nordic/Germanic-sounding first names with evocative compound
surnames, such as "Heinrich Thunderhammer." He often makes
a point of telling the other workshoppers that he's not Jewish.
His comment to you will often be "I could see this in McSweeney's."
He may mean that as an insult. Do not approach the Sci-Fi
Attorney.
ELDERLY
PERSON WRITING A MEMOIR
His prose is dreadful, and he reads aloud very slowly and
sonorously, but you can't say anything because, ohmygod, it's
an old person. Never comments on anyone's work. When approached,
the Elderly Person will tell stories of the old days, when
on Friday nights he and his friends would walk across the
bridge—why spend the five cents?—and buy penny candy,
and go to the museum, which was full of Reubens who preferred
the more voluptuous women; he married a Belgian, you know,
and the Belgians like to cook their steak in butter.
THE
GIRL/GUY WHO THINKS YOU DO NOT GET HER/HIS STUFF
(S)he has read Infinite Jest three times, and tells
you so at the first workshop. (S)he is an avant-garde performer,
playwright, or musician. (S)he is an intellectual, and annoyingly
knows a little about everything. Her/his story is about dead
authors, and her/his comments to you are usually regarding
factual errors. (S)he may also be a fan of Faulkner. You don't
like her, but at least her submissions make sense. (S)he always
submits early. (S)he is a subtly quirky dresser. Her/his stuff
is not as complex as (s)he thinks it is, but if anyone seems
to understand it, (s)he will change it to be more oblique.
This type will challenge you to a duel of minutiae when approached.
THE
DRAMA QUEEN
An excellent writer and commenter, but a perpetually late
submitter, who always makes a point of telling everyone his/her
personal business. Sometimes will walk into meetings 90 minutes
late. Subsets include The Person Obsessed with 9/11.
You suspect that this person may eventually be involved in
some sort of crime of passion, either as victim or perp. The
Drama Queen will chew your ear off for one to three hours
when approached.
The actual people you meet may differ slightly, but you can
expect to find at least a few of these characters in every
workshop. But, still, you have to attend a workshop, if only
to be able to thank the people in your workshop when you finally
do get published, despite using big words. And once you do
get published, all your other writer friends can be jealous
of you, too.
(November,
2007)
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